When to teach them to just love one another...

Why are kids so mean?  Why?  Why do they need to tear each other down? Why will they be an awesome friend for several months and then rip out a heart and smile about it?  

Cadence is an includer. I know. Not a word.  She gets a lot of that from her dad.  She likes for everyone to feel welcome and comfortable and included.  She reaches out to everyone, no matter how difficult it might be to include them, and keeps trying even when they push her away.  

In her last school she was often chosen to sit with the boys with behavior problems in class.  Like her dad she has a unique ability to let things just roll off her back, and with these kids she would always be their friends no matter what they said to her or what they were going through.  She is incredibly patient and kind.  Last year for field day she was on a team with a group of boys who all fall somewhere on the autism spectrum. They had all asked for her to be on their team so the PE teacher put them all together on the same team.  I remember watching with a full heart as Cadence cheered them on so hard, no matter how long it took some of the boys to do the tasks and sometimes running out there to do it with them so they would want to do it.  She cheered even though she was sometimes the only one on her team doing so.  She celebrated with them like they came in first on every event, even though they came in last every single time.  And at the end, when she could have run off and found her other friends to get the promised Popsicles, she rounded up those boys and sat with them and invited her other friends to join them.  One of the boys parents's came up to me after with tears in their eyes to tell me that their son had never been willing to participate before, but this year it was all he could talk about because Cady was going to be on his team.  

My girl is special.  So incredibly special.  And so when someone makes her cry I really just want to charge into action with a battle axe.  

Recently a girl who had been Cadence's friend since she started school told Cadence that she was a liar and an idiot.  This girl said that she just couldn't stand to be her friend anymore and strong armed two other girls into saying this too.  All because Cadence believes in magic.  Because Cadence likes to make up silly stories to tell, in made up lands, with fairies and dragons and sometimes her own Pokemon. She isn't trying to pass these things off as real or say that they really happened. It's all just for fun and a creative outlet for her and her friends. She illustrates and writes her own stories at home and takes them to school to share. I have never, ever tried to stifle her creativity.  I don't ever want her to be ashamed of it. 

But in a single afternoon one little girl did some major damage. 

By the end of the day, Cadence said that the two other girls had appologized.  One said, "I'm sorry.  I really like you just the way you are."  Mean girl heard this and scoffed, "Geeze don't say that, you'll make her worse." Thankfully the teacher stepped in at that point and told the girls she expected them to work this out kindly, and that if Mean Girl couldn't uphold the school standards of no bullying and treating others with kindness then she could go sit in the principles office and wait for her mom to be called. That, at least, shut Mean Girl up for the rest of the day. 

To say I was angry was an understatement.  My momma bear went from hibernating to ferocious in about a second.  I wanted to find this girl and her parents and rip her to verbal pieces. I wanted her hurting as much, if not more, than my girl was.  

But that wasn't the answer.  It certainly won't make anything better.  

Sometimes it is so very hard to do the right thing.  Almost no one, no parent anyway, would begrudge me my anger.  I think we have all felt it before.  

Cadence asked me what she should do.  She was very hurt that her friend thought these things.  Felt these things.  And worst of all, she felt like it was her fault because she "made up stupid stories" and believes in magic. 

That last bit about broke my heart.  

I held her for a long time.  This is not easy as Cadence is almost as tall as I am.  But we both needed it. 

I told her that it wasn't her fault.  That she can be as creative and as silly as she wants.  That people often react like this when they are jealous of someone and that she didn't have to change who she was for anyone. That she isn't stupid. She's brilliant and she needs to choose friends who like her for who she is and not who they want her to be. 

Then I asked her what she thought Jesus would want us to do.  This was not easy for me.  I was still spitting mad inside, but attacking a little girl and her parents is not the example I wanted to set.  

Cadence wasn't sure and so I told her that Jesus would want us to show love and forgiveness.  I told her that she didn't have to choose to be best friends with this girl, but that we should all treat her with kindness and let the bad feelings go.  

Kids bounce back pretty quick.  By the next day Cadence was much better.  She was kind to Mean Girl every day and respected the fact that Mean Girl didn't want to be friends anymore.  

Then yesterday Cadence and Mean Girl came out together after school.  They were laughing, and my heart...it was so happy.  Cadence told me that Mean Girl had apologized that morning.  She offered no excuses for the behavior.  Just a simple, heartfelt "I'm very sorry for what I said and how mean I was to you." Cadence accepted.  They aren't best friends anymore, but they are friends again.  

I asked Cadence how she felt.  She felt good.  Then she said, "I'm glad that we decided to do what Jesus would have done.  It's really so much easier to love people."  

And you know what?  It is easier.  It's easier on everyone.