Brady left for training several states away this morning. I didn't sleep well last night, dreading actually having to get up and say good bye.
Yesterday was hard. It went by much to fast. I made sure that all of Brady's clothes were clean and helped him pack. I made one of his favorite meals for dinner. He gave us all blessings. Then we got kids ready for bed and Brady and I spent a quiet night together before going to bed early. Brady fell asleep quickly, just like he always does. I stared at the ceiling for a while, then Owen woke up and I went and stared at Owen's ceiling for a while. Eventually I fell asleep. Then all too soon my alarm went off and I had to get up. I had to get up so we could say good bye.
I got all the kids up, even Owen. We got to say a prayer together. I made them sit long enough to get a picture.
And then he was on his way.
I did good for a few hours. I do better when I can stay busy. When I drove Rory to school I felt that tight, smothering feeling in my chest and the sore in my throat that comes when you are trying not to cry. To much time to just think when I drive.
The hardest part about the day is the weird emptiness of the house. It's a Monday, so things are just as busy as any other week day. In fact there really isn't anything different except that we actually saw Brady before he left. On the normal days we don't see him in the morning because he leaves before we get up. Today, though, he won't be coming back like normal. We won't hear the garage and the kids won't rush to the door yelling "Daddy! Daddy!" And the house already knows it because despite there being five people still here, it feels empty. Hollow. Like our heart is missing.
It's amazing the difference one person can make.
Dinner will be hard. The littles will ask over and over where Daddy is and I will remind them again that he went to school. It will be painful every time they ask but after a while they will stop asking and that will be just as painful.
Skype will be our highlight. Seeing dad is always the highlight of any day.
Nighttime is by far the hardest. Once the kids are in bed and it's just me. I may have full control of the TV, but it just isn't the same without Brady. We could go a whole evening peacefully without saying a word to each other, but we were together. At least this time I can text whenever I feel like it and we are even in the same timezone.
I probably won't make his side of the bed for a few days. Because then I can pretend he just got up and went to work like normal. Don't worry, I will get over it. My natural "keep it tidy" instincts won't tolerate it for very long.
I'll miss tripping over his boots in the bathroom, and finding his socks all over the house.
But after today it won't seem so bad. After this week things will feel as normal as they can be without our favorite person in the house.
In all honesty, Brady has it the hardest. He has to go stay in a strange room for 6 months, eat cafeteria food, and deal with long quiet nights. Quiet is only nice for a little while. Especially when you are used to the noise of four kids surrounding you every night. After a while the quiet just reminds you of what you are missing. At least I have the noise, the mess, and the crazy. I couldn't be Brady. He is braver than I am and I am thankful for this sacrifice he is making so that we can have a better future.
Only 6ish months to go!
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